Week Four, Day One : News

Received some welcome news today : My dear wife sent me this from London with information that Harry's stools are beginning to stiffen at last. I have become so pre-occupied with my own dilemmas that I forget she has many of her own & I cannot tell you how my heart leapt with gladness at the thought. So much so, in fact, that I made an unneeded trip to the latrines to ponder on our courtship years & that man from her Alexander Technique class. She tells me it's all behind us now & that we must focus on the future but when he moved in next door & gave us all free bacon on Sundays I must say I had my doubts. But enough of my self-indulgence : More insidious events have ensued & I must report them here. Upon my return, Perry & Madden were enjoying a game of 'Kan-U-Go' which they rather insistently asked me to join. At first I declined, but on second thoughts I decided to play along. The fools! Do they think they can catch me out with kindness? I think not.. Anyway, my rather brilliant 'Bums' was totally outscored by Madden with her 19 letter clincher "Hesunderthelatrines", although it doesn't feature in the Oxford English Dictionary at all & we only had a five card hand.

Also, I am still awaiting news from the elusive Mr 'Star'. He claims that Kendal Mint Cake was sent in via the undergirth of Simon, the enormous spider that had us all going for a moment last week. Now, I have personally had a butchers at Simon's said regions & found bugger all there. Diddly squit. And it's not like it was that difficult to check, either : The so-called 'Suffolk Terror Arachnid' just lies around on his back most of the time eating crisps & watching 'The Wizard of Oz' as far as I can tell. Might have to re-think this whole collaboration deal although it could be true what Perry says : I'm getting a bit tetchy of late. Probably something to do with sugar levels. Must cut down on the morning smoothies, apparently they're worse for you that a family bag of Swizzlers. Arses...