Week Three, Day Four : Bad/Worse

I know this is going to sound far-fetched. I know, I KNOW, but it is my duty to report the truth in whichever fantastic guise it happens to come in & it doesn't get much better this : An enormous spider, possibly 10ft+ in diameter & known to our neighbouring Americans as Simon has reportedly been unleashed into the woodlands surrounding MDF. He's supposedly a cost cutting exercise, cruelly invented to simultaneously cut down on personnel & boost sexual cannibalism , but according to Brad from RAF Mildenhall (Hut 618) he spends most of the day outside The Village shop gazing at a life-sized Lego sculpture of Brian Blessed quoting lines from Henry V. I'm not making this up. This was obviously the gift I had been waiting for but I was buggered if I was going to let on to Madden & Perry. In fact, I bigged up the inconvenience of having a giant spider called Simon blocking the way to their dinner to the max, & when they began arguing I took a short walk. Now was the time to get creative but there was no rush. I strolled past Border Patrol where some poor unfortunate was being repeatedly mown down by a Photoshopped articulated lorry & then onto the Time Out Clubhouse outside which vast crayons were being sharpened for the Climbing Wall.

And then something struck me : It was so obvious I nearly shat (although obviously I didn't. Not then, at any rate). A young man calling himself 'Fourstar' had recently contacted me about Kendal Mint Cake & the possibilities of getting some into the camp. If he could manage this, I thought, why not something else? See? I figured the proof of the pudding was in the eating so to speak, so I asked if he could get me some of those pink prawns as well. You know, the ones with the tail that swirls round that you got in sweet shops when you were a kid. Anyway, this was to be a test of his metal. I'd build up my requests, subtle like, until we got onto something of consequence like a metal bar or whatever. Madden & Perry would be oblivious & within a fortnight or so I'd be gone. Scooby fucking Doo. And then they can stick their Simon right up. I'll give it a try : I'm a desperate man but I know a good thing when it's there in me porridge..