Well hello there! Are you lost? Here, let me help you. Perhaps you're looking for this or this. Quickest way is to pop over to the sideba...Oh, you've already been. Well, if you don't mind me asking, whatever was it that brought you over to this neck of the woods? It's getting late, I see you are unaccompanied & the paths home are treacherous. You'll find scant few tales of camels, tombs & clement weather in here I'm afraid. These are darker portals, traversed almost exclusively by the insane, the foolhardy & the drunk. But alas! I am forgetting my manners : Please, come in out of the cold & sit with me by the Zippo. No doubt you have stories of your own you wish to share & it has been many moons since I've had occasion to have intercourse with another. Pull up a pew while Carruthers fixes us a nightcap. You will join me for a sharpener, will you not? I always find it the perfect way to 'oil the wheels' as it were & most restful on the joints after a long day alone. Now then, if you are comfortable & I may be so bold, do engage me with news of your journey & the many, many sites you must have seen. I have heard tell that it is a much-changed world outside since these old bones last gave me reason to explore it & now that I am reduced to a vicarious lifestyle maybe you could be so good as to enlighten me somewhat. Ah, Carruthers! Your timing, as ever, is immaculate. I think you'll find the hot Vimto is for me & the quadruple Rumplemintz for my esteemed companion. Yes, that will be all. And a good night to you... My profound apologies. After all this time, Carruthers has yet to perfect the social mores that come instinctively to those of breeding such as your good self. No, not flattery, intuition, my friend, intuition! I see you are sporting the latest fashions in keeping with someone of your stature. I note your posture & observe that you have discretely located the nearest exit. Do not be alarmed, I would not expect anything less. My visitors, albeit infrequent, tend to fit a prototype most similar to yours. The brilliant mind, teeming with vigour & curiosity yet laden with the innate sadness of a search unfulfilled, behind which lies captive the potential for deft use of language marred by hesitant commentary & a childlike disposition for toilet humour. Am I not right, my friend? AM I NOT...?
Forgive me. I am a foolish old man who, on occasion, falls prey to his lesser judgement. I beg of you, do not think ill of me for so thoughtless an outburst. I seek only to amuse, not to divide. Let me make amends, I pray. Could I not entice you to stay on a short while longer? A stranger met is a stranger no more after all & perhaps you shall find the very things you seek so fervently. But I see how you turn your head, sir. You need say no more. In here, as in life, one has but a short window to engage the interest of others & when that moment has passed it is a fruitless task to pursue it. In times long forgotten when I was in the prime of my intellect, perhaps I would have been more rigourous in my methods of persuasion. And perhaps you would have succombed. But not now. After all, it is getting late, you are unaccompanied & the paths home are treacherous. And I must climb the stairs & turn in. It has been a long, long day & another is due tomorrow. So, farewell stranger! It has been a brief but momentous pleasure to make your acquaintance & should you ever be passing by in the future do look in on us again: You will always be most welcome. Of course, I shall see you to the door personally. Goodnight, sir, & God speed...
*clunk*
Prick
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